How to Tell if He Doesn't Want to Get Married

Have you ever wondered if your boyfriend has ever thought about marrying you? If you're completely honest, the answer is almost certainly yes, but how can you tell if he wants to get married or not? Men are much less verbal than women are (studies have proven this), so we really don't have much to go on. Or do we?  If he doesn't want to marry you, chances are he just can't bring himself to say it.  So he's giving you clues instead.

So you think you've found Mr. Right. He's kind, warm, funny, level-headed and has goals in life, both short term and long term.  Does he plan to get married one day and more to the point, does he plan to marry you? Since he still hasn't proposed, ask yourself the following 12 questions to see if it's likely you'll walk down the aisle soon, or never, at least not with this man. And weeding out men who are not right for you is nearly as important as finding the one who will.

1. Do both have the same basic values? Do you tend to have the same views on important subjects such as marriage, children (or lack thereof), politics?
   
2. Do you have similar tastes in music, films, performing arts? If he loves classical music and you couldn't name a single composer to save your life, there may not be a lot of common ground. If you adore traveling in style but his idea of a great vacation is camping, needless to say, problems lie ahead (indeed, how has it lasted this long?).
3. Does he express a genuine interest in what is most important to you, whether it's your career or perhaps a hobby? Be careful if he's too busy talking about his career and what interests him most?
4. Have you met his friends? His family? Does he introduce you proudly to others? This is very important. He should be delighted to be with you and everyone should know it!
5. Is he supportive? Does he try to comfort you if things aren't going well at work or a member of your family is ill?
6. Does he get along with your family? Is he unfailingly nice even if your family gives new meaning to the word 'dysfunctional'? Does he treat your friends well?
7. If you have one or more children, does he treat them well? Suggest including them in activities? Perhaps organize a trip to an amusement park or fair?
   
8. Does he treat you well when the pair of you are alone as well as with others?
   
9. After promising to do something, does he follow through?
10. Is he honest? Trustworthy? If he lies to others, he'll lie to you, too.
11. Does he give you romantic presents like flowers, chocolates, perfume, lingerie, or jewelry?
    
12. Has he brought up marriage with no hints or prodding from you?
    

You should have answered 'yes' to each and every question. And the most important question was the last. If a man wants to marry you, he'll make that perfectly clear by proposing. If he doesn't, propose, he'll let the relationship last for as long as he wants. Not to frighten you, but this could be a very long time, even a ten years or more. I'm quite serious. I once worked with a woman who became homeless overnight after living with a man for 17 years. One evening, he told her he had fallen in love with a co-worker.  Not surprisingly, they argued and he told her to leave. Since the apartment was in his name, she had no choice but to comply and sought refuge with a friend, camping out on her sofa until she found an apartment. I know of another woman who lived with a man for 11 years, who suddenly announced she would have to move, since he'd found someone else.

You might think that most people don't live together for that long unless they're in Sweden and have no intention of getting married, ever.  Not so; one woman lived in New York, the other in Malibu, California. And while it's true many people live together for 2, 3, or perhaps 5 years before getting married, many others live together for an equal length of time and there's never a wedding. 2 years, here, 3 years, there...just how many men are you planning to live with? Think of how many years you have wasted on men who weren't going to marry you! This has to stop! And the only way to stop is to refuse to live with him. Tell him you value your independence. Tell him the lease is. Only don't tell him you'll live with him.

Nor is dating for years a good idea. If you want the opinion of a dozen men, including my father, my grandfather, as well as numerous male friends, man don't need years to decide whether or not they'll marry you. It takes months, perhaps only weeks, but not years. If you've been seeing one another for about a year, he should propose very soon. If not, you must have a chat. Do this when he is in a relaxed mood, preferably after eating (I'm serious; he'll be more receptive to anything you say). Remind that while you love him, a relationship with a future is important to you. Do not use the m-word!  If he protests or otherwise doesn't agree, say that's fine, but you might have to reconsider your relationship. Whatever you do, do not assume a threatening tone. After all, who wants a bully for a wife? Say this as calmly as possible (you may want to practice your little speech beforehand, either alone or with a trusted friend). It is vital that there are no tears nor recriminations (why would he be eager to marry a crybaby or a shrew?). Then change the subject. If he doesn't propose within two weeks, seriously consider seeing other men. And if you do, he may very well propose! Men are competitive by nature.  Even if he doesn't, you kept your dignity and more important, have stopped wasting time on a man who wasn't going to marry you.

Incidentally, when you have your chat, you may hear one of the following two sentences come out of his mouth, even though you didn't use the m-word. I've provided a translation for each.

1. "I see myself getting married someday, but at this point in my life" (translation "I see myself getting married someday, just not to you").
2. "Why can't we keep everything just as it is?" (translation: "I'm perfectly content with my life as it is. Marrying you isn't going to make me any happier."

And if there is no proposal on it's way, it's essential that you don't take it to heart. Well, any more than absolutely necessary, anyway. There's nothing wrong with you, or he wouldn't have continued to date you or live with you. The problem lies with him and it's a waste of your time and energy to try and figure out what it is. Look on the bright side (and there is a bright side) by deciding that you will waste no more of your valuable time on someone whose goals in life do not include you, the door is wide open for the arrival of someone new, someone right for you.